Day 24 The Hardest Day Yet.... But I DID NOT GO BACK! :-)
I had absolutely no idea what “withdrawal” was all about.
I thought I did.
I imagined what it MIGHT be like.
I did my research.
I read through the Drug and Mental Health FORUMS online too. (Some entries were from those who’d finally “made it” in getting off their antidepressant...while many were from those who are still trying). I’ve also read lots of emails from those who’ve seen my journal and are checking in to share their own stories and to wish me luck. Strangers have written to me about feeling helpless...feeling like a JUNKIE. I read that and moved on.
All of these things, and the love from my family and friends gave me the strength to embark on my journey but none of them prepared me for today.
I wasn’t prepared.
Not physically.
Not mentally.
I really had NO IDEA this journey would be so difficult.
The morning was an emotional roller coaster...one minute I thought I was doing well and then out of no-where a feeling would come over me and I’d want more than anything to go BACK on the Effexor.
Can you believe it? I Can’t! Not even now that I’m writing it down...
I could feel myself breaking down several times late in the morning and for fleeting moments my mind would race with thoughts of taking a pill. I guess I was thinking if I did break down and take one then I’d be better in just a little while, that this horrible fog would lift and I’d feel “NORMAL” again.
Why did I think this?
Because that’s what I’ve always done.
When I’d forget to take my pill in the past, I’d notice feeling “funny” within a few hours of missing it. (Feeling “funny” was always hard to describe before, but now I know it as a withdrawal symptom...a sort of disoriented “out of your body” feeling, along with a bit of “brain zapping” and some general “lightheadedness”).
Well, after I’d “get my little fix”, (aka “take my little pill”), I’d be back to feeling my usual pleasant, happy, self within 2-4 hours.
So, in my weak moments before noon, I guess I was sub-consciously remembering how much better I felt while I was taking my pills and I was blocking out the reason for my journey, all the terrible side effects associated with taking these pills and why I need to be free of them.
Yes, I am an addict.
I am addicted to a legally prescribed antidepressant drug.
While accepting this label is heart-breaking for me... ... it will sound pretty strange, even sad, for my friends and family to hear it coming from this person who has always been so strong. It is the truth though.
Well, I guess I should have paid better attention to those people who insisted they felt like a JUNKIE because while I stood in front of the kitchen cabinet, late this afternoon, holding the door open, I started to sob... I sobbed just like a junkie who needed a fix.
I could see my old Effexor bottle in there... with probably 14 capsules or so left of the 75mg. strength. Why did I save them? I guess I thought if things got too tough I’d have them to save me. They were my crutch and I was thinking just like an addict and had left them there on purpose...just in case!
Anyway, there I stood.... all alone....just ME....thinking that no one had to know...that I could just take one to get me by. All I wanted was to do was to reach in there and grab that bottle, open it and take one of my pills. Ah....MY PILLS...
I started shaking and crying even harder. I held on tight to the cabinet door and as if in a trance I started thinking....about my family and friends who are supporting my efforts in this journey, and thinking too, about how these money hungry drug manufacturers haven’t been telling us the whole truth and about how it’s quite possible that they don’t even know the whole truth themselves. I thought about how we, the users, are their test subjects and how no one’s testing these drugs long enough to know what withdrawal is about, what the long term effects may be, and how they’re simply ignoring the fact that people just like me, are living through days in HELL to get off of them!
As I stood there, shaking, gripping that door, I was suddenly overcome with a sense of extreme exhaustion. Exhaustion from the emotions I was experiencing right then and exhaustion from expending so much energy in doing the simplest everyday tasks these past few days. With tears still streaming down my face I let go of the door, pushed it closed, and walked away to sit down at the table.
In just a few moments the shaking and sobbing stopped and as I sat there I thought about what had just about happened. I had actually almost given in. Almost reached inside and picked up the bottle, almost taken another pill.
I took a deep breath and I realized that I had to get past this point and through this withdrawal so that I can focus on my work and on my research.
A great feeling of peace soon surrounded me, as I sat alone, deep in my thoughts. I felt as if a very heavy burden had been lifted from my being. A physical relief was accompanied by a strong feeling that I had passed through a very critical moment in my journey.
After what I have gone through today I can honestly say that drug addiction is the scariest thing that can happen to ANYONE. And even though I knew in my heart that turning back to the Effexor was not the answer...I know that SOMEONE ELSE intervened and led me away just in time.
Having experienced what I have, I now feel a much deeper compassion for alcoholics who are trying to rid themselves of their drug of choice, and for the addicts of illegal drugs as well, who steal and even kill to “get their fix”. Addiction is a sad, lonely, very frightening feeling. So for those of you who are reading this, and have never been to the place where I have returned from today, you will probably never understand, but for those of you who have traveled this journey yourself, I know you must feel as I do...
As we have truly “walked in their shoes”.
Today was a Very LONG and extremely exhausting day, both mentally and physically.
Many thanks to all my well-wishers, (both callers and mailers), who checked in.
(I wonder how you knew that it would be the hardest day of my journey so far?)
And, if we didn’t get to chat for long today, or even at all...
I felt your presence and God answered your prayers as He was with me!
Love to you all...
Goodnight!
beach-lover@verizon.net
read and sign the EFFEXOR PETITION
I had absolutely no idea what “withdrawal” was all about.
I thought I did.
I imagined what it MIGHT be like.
I did my research.
I read through the Drug and Mental Health FORUMS online too. (Some entries were from those who’d finally “made it” in getting off their antidepressant...while many were from those who are still trying). I’ve also read lots of emails from those who’ve seen my journal and are checking in to share their own stories and to wish me luck. Strangers have written to me about feeling helpless...feeling like a JUNKIE. I read that and moved on.
All of these things, and the love from my family and friends gave me the strength to embark on my journey but none of them prepared me for today.
I wasn’t prepared.
Not physically.
Not mentally.
I really had NO IDEA this journey would be so difficult.
The morning was an emotional roller coaster...one minute I thought I was doing well and then out of no-where a feeling would come over me and I’d want more than anything to go BACK on the Effexor.
Can you believe it? I Can’t! Not even now that I’m writing it down...
I could feel myself breaking down several times late in the morning and for fleeting moments my mind would race with thoughts of taking a pill. I guess I was thinking if I did break down and take one then I’d be better in just a little while, that this horrible fog would lift and I’d feel “NORMAL” again.
Why did I think this?
Because that’s what I’ve always done.
When I’d forget to take my pill in the past, I’d notice feeling “funny” within a few hours of missing it. (Feeling “funny” was always hard to describe before, but now I know it as a withdrawal symptom...a sort of disoriented “out of your body” feeling, along with a bit of “brain zapping” and some general “lightheadedness”).
Well, after I’d “get my little fix”, (aka “take my little pill”), I’d be back to feeling my usual pleasant, happy, self within 2-4 hours.
So, in my weak moments before noon, I guess I was sub-consciously remembering how much better I felt while I was taking my pills and I was blocking out the reason for my journey, all the terrible side effects associated with taking these pills and why I need to be free of them.
Yes, I am an addict.
I am addicted to a legally prescribed antidepressant drug.
While accepting this label is heart-breaking for me... ... it will sound pretty strange, even sad, for my friends and family to hear it coming from this person who has always been so strong. It is the truth though.
Well, I guess I should have paid better attention to those people who insisted they felt like a JUNKIE because while I stood in front of the kitchen cabinet, late this afternoon, holding the door open, I started to sob... I sobbed just like a junkie who needed a fix.
I could see my old Effexor bottle in there... with probably 14 capsules or so left of the 75mg. strength. Why did I save them? I guess I thought if things got too tough I’d have them to save me. They were my crutch and I was thinking just like an addict and had left them there on purpose...just in case!
Anyway, there I stood.... all alone....just ME....thinking that no one had to know...that I could just take one to get me by. All I wanted was to do was to reach in there and grab that bottle, open it and take one of my pills. Ah....MY PILLS...
I started shaking and crying even harder. I held on tight to the cabinet door and as if in a trance I started thinking....about my family and friends who are supporting my efforts in this journey, and thinking too, about how these money hungry drug manufacturers haven’t been telling us the whole truth and about how it’s quite possible that they don’t even know the whole truth themselves. I thought about how we, the users, are their test subjects and how no one’s testing these drugs long enough to know what withdrawal is about, what the long term effects may be, and how they’re simply ignoring the fact that people just like me, are living through days in HELL to get off of them!
As I stood there, shaking, gripping that door, I was suddenly overcome with a sense of extreme exhaustion. Exhaustion from the emotions I was experiencing right then and exhaustion from expending so much energy in doing the simplest everyday tasks these past few days. With tears still streaming down my face I let go of the door, pushed it closed, and walked away to sit down at the table.
In just a few moments the shaking and sobbing stopped and as I sat there I thought about what had just about happened. I had actually almost given in. Almost reached inside and picked up the bottle, almost taken another pill.
I took a deep breath and I realized that I had to get past this point and through this withdrawal so that I can focus on my work and on my research.
A great feeling of peace soon surrounded me, as I sat alone, deep in my thoughts. I felt as if a very heavy burden had been lifted from my being. A physical relief was accompanied by a strong feeling that I had passed through a very critical moment in my journey.
After what I have gone through today I can honestly say that drug addiction is the scariest thing that can happen to ANYONE. And even though I knew in my heart that turning back to the Effexor was not the answer...I know that SOMEONE ELSE intervened and led me away just in time.
Having experienced what I have, I now feel a much deeper compassion for alcoholics who are trying to rid themselves of their drug of choice, and for the addicts of illegal drugs as well, who steal and even kill to “get their fix”. Addiction is a sad, lonely, very frightening feeling. So for those of you who are reading this, and have never been to the place where I have returned from today, you will probably never understand, but for those of you who have traveled this journey yourself, I know you must feel as I do...
As we have truly “walked in their shoes”.
Today was a Very LONG and extremely exhausting day, both mentally and physically.
Many thanks to all my well-wishers, (both callers and mailers), who checked in.
(I wonder how you knew that it would be the hardest day of my journey so far?)
And, if we didn’t get to chat for long today, or even at all...
I felt your presence and God answered your prayers as He was with me!
Love to you all...
Goodnight!
beach-lover@verizon.net
read and sign the EFFEXOR PETITION
posted by deb | 8:12 PM
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